Fleeting Sense of Feeling Self

[draconica]

Life changes a lot when you have a partner. I can't behave the same way as when I'm alone. In a way this is good, as it keeps me up. On the other hand, it's exhausting, having this feeling that someone's around, and they may approach you any time, ask what you're doing, or announce they're doing something. I haven't always lived alone, naturally, I spend the most of my younger years with my family so someone always has been around. So it kind of feels like returning to that old state of being surrounded by people. And even before that I lived with a friend. I'm not new to this. But it's always so weird and exhausting. Being alone is also weird and exhausting in its own way, so it's not like I'm complaining (if I were to complain, it would be a complaint about everything and how all modes of being suck).

 

The primary challenge is the Watching Eye, where you can't just do whatever, the inappropriate things, you know. It's easier with a partner than with family or a friend because they will tolerate more of the inappropriateness. I'm fine with tolerating inappropriateness with others, I will not even make odd remarks and be weird about it, like, go ahead.

The most important thing is I can't be the same in various environments, and various environments affect me differently, and I have to adapt to changing environment, "being myself" is actually always "accommodating to the environment" because the feeling of self does not just come from within but is also informed by the environment.